New blog

I started a new blog. If you want to find it, try, I dare you.

This blog is lame.

My dark days.

The past sucked. I mean, literally, it was all wrong. But I can't help but look back fondly on some memories I have of "those days". It's complete craziness, I was totally irrational and stupid, but I really enjoyed having no limits sometimes.

I miss wearing combat boots. Not a lie, I would still wear my black lace-up knee high boots if I knew I wouldn't look crazy. I loved the way I dressed, I sometimes wish I could still dress like a teen. I felt like such a free spirit, music and clothes were my way of expression. 

I miss looking like a complete crackhead. Seriously. My favorite outfit was wearing ripped up jeans tucked into my combat boots with a giant knife tucked into the side of my boot; goodwill t-shirt on and a beanie. I loved it. 

I miss endless driving, blasting music, and spending time doing whatever I wanted.  

I miss being deathly thin. I do NOT miss being bulimic and doing drugs, but I really do miss being thin and looking awesome in whatever I put on. 

But that's about all I really "miss" about the old days. I don't think I'll ever relive them, they were awful. I cannot believe how stupid I was, how much I screwed up my life back then. It's horribly depressing to think about.

But still, when I see a thin girl wearing combat boots with a shaved head...I can't help but smile. I used to be her...thankfully I outgrew her.

I went from This:

To This:

PHEW! 

Now, time to get back to reality! Gotta put on my sexy workout pants, stretch a t-shirt over my ginormous belly, and go walking with my wonderful Auntie! Time to head back into the world of motherhood- by far the best place I have ever been!

Hord OUT.

Since no one reads this anyways...

So, seeing as nothing is ever "for sure", I don't want to get anyways hopes up, or scare them...whichever. But we are, as of this moment, planning moving back to Ephrata. Brayden lost his job and since I'm due just a few weeks after our lease is up here, we've decided to A) try to sell our lease to move now so we can be settle in and get started with life in WA before baby #2 comes. or B) wait it out here until our lease is up and then try and move while I'm big and preggo and then try and have Brayden look for a job here until then, and then a job in WA when we get there right as I'm having a baby.

You might be able to tell which idea I like more. :)  So I have our lease up online and so far we have had two people look at it, only issue is they have to qualify for the low-income housing that we're in, so if they don't pass, then we're stuck here. I think one of the people came and started the paperwork today, so I'm praying that if this is what we're supposed to do that they'll pass! haha. We'll see.

So, that is our plan for now.

All Pooped Out.

But seriously, Max pooped in the tub.
I blame myself for this one, and I mean seriously, it could have been avoided. I was sitting on the toilet (not using it, mind you) inputing stuff into my new razor phone, when I heard him grunting next to me in the tub. Since I was very focused, I thought to myself, without looking "sounds like he's pooping, but he's never pooped in the tub, he wouldn't do that! Must be a rough fart." So a few minutes later he starts to whimper. So I look over, and he is standing up with his hand on the side of the tub with a terd in it! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Oh, it stunk pretty bad! So I yelled for Brayden, because I don't deal with poop that isn't in a diaper, and I just sat there looking at my crying baby. I felt bad for him, but also was unclear as to where the poo was exactly, and if there was any on him, I did not want to touch it! I thought I was tougher than that, but apparently I am a bit queasy to the poo.

So Brayden yells at me to pick Max up so he isn't sitting in dirty poo water and to get over myself. ( Doh!)
So I pull him out, making sure his poo hand is nowhere close to me, and wrap him in a towel and get him all cleaned off. As I'm dressing him, I notice he stinks REALLY bad, so I start sniffing around trying to locate said smell. I was terrified he had EATEN some, I sniffed his breath....safe. Alas, it was the hand that originally held the poo!  I cleaned it, and made sure that he didn't stick that hand in my mouth (as he loves to do). But if he gets pinkeye tomorrow, we'll all know why!

The tub was drained, rinsed, then filled with buring hot water mixed with a TON of clorine. All toys involved are now soaking in that as well. I will drain, rinse, and repeat soon. Maybe even a third time if I can't control my anxiety about it yet, we'll see.

And that, my friends, is my first pooing-in-tub experience I had with Max. I hope it's also the last.

On the of[FENCE]ive.

Once again, I am letting you know that this may offend you, so if you don't like getting worked up over subjects, I suggest you exit my blog now.

That being said, I am calling into question those of my religion (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints..or "Mormons") on the subject of obedience to their leaders. I have been reading "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by President Spencer W. Kimball, and it has led me to some questioning of "us" as a whole.

The way Pres. Kimball speaks in his book is very straightforward and doesn't cushion the blows to those who are sinning. He makes it clear how serious sins are, and even helps clarify the difference between sins of commission (doing) and sins of omission (not doing). I received this book from a Bishop a few years ago, obviously because I was in desperate need of some help an guidance in understanding my sins, but because I found the book to be too harsh at the time I set it aside. I wasn't ready to hear how I was doing wrong, and what I needed to do to fix it. I wanted to reason away why it wasn't "that bad" and I thought the book was extreme. Sadly, I could have seriously benefited from hearing the things back then that I am hearing now.

So I am know at a point as I am reading this book that I am ashamed of my mistakes and sins, but also very aware of how many others are in the place I once was. Please understand that I am NOT judging, I am not a person who will ever be able to judge anyone on mistakes they have made....I have probably done 100x's worse. But I am concerned and heart broken over those who are rejecting the teachings of our leaders, the way I had. I think because I now understand just how serious each sin is, and how far we all have to go to become "perfect", I am dieing inside for those who still do not understand this and who are allowing Satan to whisper in their ears that casual sins won't keep them from celestial glory. I listened to Satan for too long, and I've seen where those baby steps lead, I've been there. Obviously not all will end up where I was, but the point Pres. Kimball makes is that, if it can lead to it, why take the first step? In the temple we make covenants, and some of them I think we kind of push aside and think nothing much of them, simply because we think "oh, come on, what's the harm in that?" But remember, it was Joseph Smith who felt bad and repented because of his "lightheartedness" and keeping company with a jovial crowd as a young boy. I wonder, why is it that he felt wrong for this? Now I know, we are told not to act in this way, and I think too many people brush it off. Believe me, I am at fault for acting this way, I like to have a good time and will sometimes joke inappropriately, but that doesn't make me feel better knowing that "everyone else is doing it".

I remember Prophet Hinkley asking us to refrain from getting more than one pair of earrings on one ear, to not get tattoos and such. But I thought it was only a suggestion, and as long as I wasn't "too extreme" then I was still "ok". I believe that is how many members of our faith think, that sometimes things are only "suggestions" and we are still fine to do or not do to a certain extent. We are all wrong, because whether it be by the Lord or his servants, it's all the same thing. If I heard the Lord say those things that we hear at conference, I'm sure I would try a heck of a lot harder to listen and obey, because, duh, Heavenly Father literally just said it. Sadly, truly He is speaking to us, those ARE his words, but because we are looking at a face of a mortal man, I think we don't listen as intently as we should. 

My plea is simple- obey. Obey for your own safety, obey for the safety of your children and families, obey because you love the Lord, obey because non-members are gathering their information about our church from YOU. Obey, obey, obey. I think it shows the kind of people we are when we will go to church, teach our lessons, go to the temple, yet we will wear bikinis swimming, we will curse, and we will watch movies that allow filth into our minds and homes. I find it incongruent with what we are taught. How can we teach our fellow brothers and sisters to do what is right when they do not have a solid example to follow! If we let ourselves be slack on "one or two" things that we are ask/told/commanded not to do, we are telling those around us, including our children, that it doesn't matter, and that it's "ok" to not do the "little things" because we still do the "big things".  But I know that it is the "little things" that truly show Heavenly Father the kind of person we are.

I hope we all start to listen a little more closely to what is asked of us. To go above and beyond what we normally do. I pray that you all become the example you were meant to be. 

Think of the change we could create in this world simply by following the commandments we have already been given. Do not let Satan win.

I just puked a little...

From excitment!!
 Max just took two steps on his own!!! I think my heart will explode with happiness! He's getting so big!!!

Because I'm better than you.

That's why.

I gave birth to a lion, what did you do?