Max's big day out!

Max had is first day at the park!!

He was still a bit nervous to move around too much, but he loved crawling around inside the little tube thingy and peaking at me through the holes!

UGH!! Who doesn't love this little chubby boy?!?!

FAIL.

I may or may not have had a bit of a break-down yesterday. DON'T JUDGE ME!!

So, though we are SUPER blessed and life is great, I am going a bit nuts sitting inside my cramped little apartment having incoherent conversations with my child. Do not get me wrong here, I adore his babbling and I love spending 24/7 with him!! And who wouldn't? He's perfect...

But I just find myself doing less and less each day. I get up and think, "OK, feed Max, wait for nap time, take nap, get up, have lunch, then second nap, then wait for Brayden to get home."

What else can I do?

I feel trapped and pretty much like there is no point to anything I do, besides spending tons of time playing with Max.

(I have to make sure he feels/knows he's loved so he won't ever want to do anything to disappoint me, plus teaching him ABC's so he'll be a child-genius and make us tons of money.)

So that's where I spend all of my time. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time!

But seriously, with no car and not much money I feel like I just have to sit here all day. It's mind-numbing sometimes.

I'm dieing to get some stimulation to my brain, I don't even mind being alone so much as I mind just being bored.

I got a sewing machine (well two, one little one for quickies, and a big one for the real stuff) but I am now overwhelmed by how much it takes to actually plan and sew something! I have no patterns and like a couple pieces of scrap material to practice on. Lame, what can I do with that?

So fail on sewing.

I also have paints and canvas for painting, which I dabble with from time to time, but now that Max is awake more during the day and into everything, it seems very difficult to start any kind of project.

I feel like it's all just pointless because even though I have all the time in the world, that time can't be spent doing anything that requires too much focus, seeing as my attention is always having to divert back to my son crying/puking/getting into everything!!

How do you get over this?

I know I can do whatever I want, but how do you get past all the thoughts that hold you back? Because I'm sure I stress more than is needed, because there are tons of mommies who have adorable little boutiques down here which requires TONS of time. So why can't I finish a painting I started before Max was born?!

UGH!!!!!!

P.S. Anyone have easy/cheap dinner ideas you want to throw my way?? I'm running out of ideas and I feel bad making the same thing twice in a week!

Does anyone really read this???

I get that I'm not too exciting, but really? No one?

Oh well, let's be honest, I blog for me.

My son is pretty much perfect, like make you feel horrible about your own kid, perfect. Must be my awesome parenting skills...what can I say, I'm pretty perfect myself! He's 10 months old, ALMOST 11 months...soon to be a year old, and he totally says "Dada"! Plus he is just plain brilliant in general, he takes after his daddy.

So on to my new baby....

Unknown Fetus is now exactly 9 weeks and 3 days old!!!! Only 214 days to go!

Fetus tote's is a girl, I can tell by how sick I am, Max fetus never made me feel THIS sick!

I pretty much LIVE on saltines and DIET Squirt (can't be having all that would-be sugar making me fat!) But I can't eat anything if it's not carby and has like ZERO veggies or fruit in it. My body refuses to ingest healthy things right now, just the thought of eating something that's not a bread or meat-type food makes me want to never eat again!

Side-note! (I've totally LOST weight from not wanting to eat, so grateful for this fetus helping mommy lose those extra lb's!)

Anyways, I lied before when I said that we won't be getting any medical from the state.. *PHEW!!! Found out that I still get insurance, and not only that, but it's the super-delux-awesome kind where there's no co-pays and everything is covered!!! Guess I better go get my pregnancy massage now for all my "back-pain" *wink *wink.

Well, pretty much life is super-awesome and full of blessings right now!! Hubs works normal hours now (9-5:30) so I get to play wifey again and have the house cleaned and dinner cooked when he gets home, which is WAY better than B. coming home at 10:30pm and I'm super depressed and he's not hungry anymore. That' REALLY puts a damper on (S-E-X), especially since I feel yucky and fat because I there's no one to look at me, so I don't get ready for the day.

So, blessings for everyone now!! I get to get ready for my hubby to see me and cook him delic' meals, and then we sit in the living room watching our beautiful son play.

I can't help it, our life is just so perfect! :D

I picked the right star to wish on!

I'm not one to truly believe that wishing gets you anywhere, but that doesn't mean I don't do it.

I can't believe I got what I wanted. How scary!

After heading to the Dr.'s last Monday to get a ..blood test...ick! I waited for what seemed FOREVER! Which turned out to only be 3 days...but 3 days too long! Anyways, I finally called the office because they were supposed to call me the next day, and of course they had my number wrong, so I told them to have the nurse call me back ASAP! I need to get on prenatals if I am, or find out what is wrong with me if I'm not! So FINALLY, nurse calls me and says "So, you want to know the results of the pregnancy test, right?" ....yes, that would be the idea.... "it was POSOTIVE." and my mouth hangs open.... "uhhh, alright."

Nurse, knowing that I'm being a bit quiet, says one more time, "Soo, it was posotive, ok?"

"umm, yea, ok, bye." CLICK*

I honestly WAS NOT expecting that I would actually be preggo, I thought, "hey, it's possible, but it's probably something else." So I was fully waiting to hear a "negative" and then I could make a Dr's appt to find out what's really wrong.

Uhhh, but no, there is a little cluster of cells growing inside of me that we like to refer to as a "fetus".

YEAY FOR FETUS'!!!

But wait....Brayden now makes too much to get any state assistance, so we are now going to be paying for our food and medical..which means, I'm gonna be paying for this Fetus! I hate that when you finally get back on your feet they punish you by taking away any help...lame system!

So, I am horribly scared, and overwhelmingly excited for this new addition to our family!

HOPE IT'S A GIRL!!!

Maximus

Yes please, may I have another?

I love this boy, he loves to get right in my face and smile until I laugh, and then he starts laughing too. I LOVE it!

He makes me want uno mas.

Secretly Praying

....That I'm pregnant.

I think I might be ready for another beast. I am "late" about 2 weeks, but with two FALSE tests, could I still be? I'm hoping, yes.

I'm sure there will be those who think I'm just bored and don't know what I'm talking about....true, I am slightly bored sitting at home all day, but I don't really want to add more sleepless nights into the equation unless it's more than just "being bored." Brayden is excited for our little "maybe", and of course I am too. But if I'm not "P", oh well, it'll happen when it happens.

I am concerned, then, of my constant tinkling. What is causing me to sprint to the bathroom every 30 minutes? I wake up about 3x's a night!! (just to tinkle ). I do not drink more than normal, which is generally MAYBE, 2 glasses of anything per day...bad, I know. So, why the constant flow? I'm stumped. Not to mention the crazy emotions!

Pretty sure I started crying while I watched Maury the other day. I never realized just how sad it is that those poor people actually LIVE like that normally! And those poor babies! Not knowing who their "Baby Daddy" is?! SAD!!!!! Plus the overwhelming LOVE I feel for my hubby lately. He is amazing, but I'm almost positive he's done nothing major to make this happen, just I have come to realize how much I appreciate him. But then, of course, if he says/does something I don't agree with, I get all grumpy and pouty and say he doesn't love me.

Ummmm....what the heck?! Maybe I'm about to "start", but I like to think I'm not that unstable regularly, even when it's "that time"

Don't worry, I'll let you know how it goes either way....

Eternal love

I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for what I have, but I'm going to try!

First off, I have one amazing husband. We have been through so much together, I'm sure there have been many times when it would have been easier to just walk away, but we've stuck it out. I couldn't be happier. Every day things just get better and better, just when I think things are as good as they can get, he does something to make it even better. My heart is so full of love for Brayden, especially since we were sealed together in the temple, there is a noticeable change between us.

We have committed to be together for not only this life, but for the rest of eternity, it helps put things in perspective for us. It's easier to overlook the little things, because now I know that in the long run, it won't matter. What matters is that we are always on the same page, working together towards the same goals. Having a partner to be by my side through everything is more than I could ask for. My life finally has joy in it. I wake up every day with a heart full of thanks to God for the blessing of having my husband and my son in my life. I don't know how I ever lived without them before, my life was pointless before them, and now I have a purpose because of them.

My son, Max, is my second biggest blessing next to my husband. It doesn't matter if he keeps me up all night crying, or he poops,pukes, or pees on me, I enjoy every moment that I have with him. Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother, it was pretty much my only goal...sadly. For a long time I didn't think I could have kids, especially when I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was scared, but hopeful. Then, two weeks after getting married, I got pregnant with my little Maximus! I was terrified that I wouldn't be a good enough mother for him because of my past mistakes. I didn't want to screw up this perfect little soul that God was entrusting to me. But I reminded myself that this was a miracle, the one thing I ever wanted, I was finally getting, even after I was told that it would be extremely difficult for me. The first time I saw my little monster on the ultrasound, I fell in love. I didn't understand how anyone could look at that screen and say they wanted to end its life, but I guess everyone has their excuses.

When Max was born he was taken away from me for two hours because he was dehydrated, it was the longest hours of my life! He was so perfect! The entire time we were in the hospital, and every day after, he was so sweet and peaceful. My life has been forever changed because of my little angel. There is something remarkable about being a mother, I have been awakened from a sleep it feels like. My entire life is now devoted to this little man. It makes me love my husband so much more, I want to make sure we have an amazing relationship and we never fight so our son never has to experience what Brayden and I had to.

I am so grateful that Brayden and I have chosen to depend on our Heavenly Father for all things. I have found that simply having a pure desire for something good is all it takes to get it. Every time I've truly wanted to better myself in an area, the Lord has blessed me. I believe that the reason we are so blessed is because we acknowledge the Lord's hand in all things. I know I would be nothing without Him, I would have nothing without Him. I just can't remember how I lived without my family before, it all seems like a blur until this point in my life. Like I wasn't really living until now. I seriously cannot believe how amazingly blessed I am! Yes, we're poor, yes we shop at thrift stores, and yes, we drive a '95 Saturn that's bright teal and smells like smoke and dogs. But oh well, all that stuff is temporary. I know that when I die all that stuff will not matter, because I will have my husband and children with me, and I could never ask God for anything more than that!

I trust in God, but not only that, I FEAR God! I know that He has given me all, and He can take all back. I don't ever want to offend Him, and that's mainly because I LOVE Him! I am blessed in my health, to be in this country, that I can have children, that I have the freedom to write this, that I have a save place to sleep at night, family that loves us, friends, food in my fridge, a full pantry, a husband who wants to work so I can stay home, clean clothes, a tv, computer, all things, but above all else, a savior who chose to give his life, willingly, to ensure that I could make it back to my Father above... and I know he would do it even if I was the only one to save! I'm grateful for the fact that I can repent of my past mistakes, and that I am forgiven too. =D

How could I ever complain?

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