Coming Out.

No, I'm not gay, but I am coming out about my feelings about the gay community. So, buyer beware! If you know you'll get upset or offended, I suggest you stop reading!

Let me just start by saying that I honestly do not "HATE" anyone who is attracted to the same sex. My views on same-sex attraction is that it may not be a "choice" in the sense that you consciously think to yourself that you are going to choose to reject one sex and choose the other. More, I think, is that it's like someone who has a predisposition to alcoholism. Though there is not a conscious choice to become an alcoholic, the susceptibility is greater for certain individuals than for others. So, in comparison, both individuals do have the choice to refrain from taking the first step, though the desire and urge may feel almost like there is no choice at all.

You may or may not agree with me, and that's completely alright, because I do not think that we are all going to agree 100% with one another on most issues and topics. We have all had experiences that have given us different pieces of knowledge and with those we form our opinions, so it's quite alright if you only partially agree with me, or not at all.

Now that you know how I feel about homosexuality, that I do not feel any sort of anger or hate towards those who are, in my eyes, "struggling with the flesh", I hope you will better understand where I come from when I talk about my annoyance with this situation.

I am very annoyed by the fact that those who have this problem constantly insist on everyone accepting their idea of "love" and what is "normal". I do not agree, and no matter how much information I get about homosexuality and what they believe is a "healthy" relationship within their ideals, I will not, EVER, believe that this is right. I am not rude, ignorant, or judgmental. I am simply informed on this subject by a higher power, and nothing you say or do is going to make me question what I already know to be true. My thought is, I won't lecture you if you don't lecture me.

Now, my main reason for even writing anything about this subject is the fact that it is literally in my backyard and in my living room. I can choose to not watch shows that encourage or spend tons of time deliberating over this topic, I can, to a point, protect myself and my family from the constant threat and attack. But now, I am not too sure that I really can anymore. I won't complain that it is such a "hot" topic, or the fact that it is now a constant topic in church meetings and conferences. It makes me a bit sick to know that that is where we are having to focus our attention, but oh well. What I do not like, is that not only do I have to hear about it every 2 minutes on the news, but that it's not positive in any form. It is always "them" against "us". And I'm truly sick of this war. Right now there is pretty much a "gay army" marching around in SLC trying to say that the LDS church, and more specifically, Boyd K. Packer, is wrong is saying that homosexuality is wrong and can be overcome. Here, read this: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=12795071 .

Now, I believe that we should not be rude and hurtful to anyone because they choose a different lifestyle than you do. I am quite grateful for those who were kind to me while I chose to lead a life that was contrary to my upbringing, but nonetheless, I respect the fact that those same people did not feel comfortable with me in their home. I never got upset because I knew that I was choosing to do something contrary to what they were trying to teach their families, and that is their right and not my place to throw a fit because I didn't feel "welcome" at the time. I knew I was welcome once I chose to clean myself up and took away the possible threat of damaging the work they had done for their families. So I feel that it is very selfish for the gay community to constantly be barging into homes and forcing their lifestyle on those around them. It is rude and disrespectful of them. I wouldn't feel differently if it were a group of heroin addicts, or alcoholics. I'm sure they are all good people and I will never think that I am worth more than them, but it is MY right to disagree with their lifestyles and to choose to not let them control my life and what I say and do on the chance that I will offend them.

So, I am sorry that their feelings get hurt, I truly am, because I think we should have more tact when talking about such a sensitive subject and not just immediately start bashing and name-calling. (I hope I've done my best to not do those things now). But, I do also believe that it is somewhat silly and delusional to put yourself in a situation where you know there is a high if not certain probability of getting offended, and I guess hoping that it won't happen. Though, I do think that maybe they (the gay community) wanted something more to fight about, so that is why they chose to watch General Conference, fully aware of our believes on sexuality and marriage, and when, as expected, they did mention this issue, they took to fight-mode.

Lastly, if I have to be extremely careful of what I say/do/watch in order to not be fully submerged in this issue, why does it not go both ways? If the gay community truly wanted acceptance, wouldn't you be doing more positive things to be seen as a positive? Instead of always doing hateful/harmful things to show how much you're hurt/angry over your nonacceptance? It doesn't make sense. If you don't want to hear what the straight community thinks, do what WE have to do to not hear what YOU think. It's stupid to put yourself in the middle of something and then cry that it happened.

GAY/STRAIGHT/SINGLE/MILLIONAIRE/POOR...ect. We are all humans looking for the same thing: Love and acceptance..and in order to get that, we have to love and accept those around us.

(*Acceptance does not mean agreeing with, but accepting someone faults and all.)

Max's big day out!

Max had is first day at the park!!

He was still a bit nervous to move around too much, but he loved crawling around inside the little tube thingy and peaking at me through the holes!

UGH!! Who doesn't love this little chubby boy?!?!

FAIL.

I may or may not have had a bit of a break-down yesterday. DON'T JUDGE ME!!

So, though we are SUPER blessed and life is great, I am going a bit nuts sitting inside my cramped little apartment having incoherent conversations with my child. Do not get me wrong here, I adore his babbling and I love spending 24/7 with him!! And who wouldn't? He's perfect...

But I just find myself doing less and less each day. I get up and think, "OK, feed Max, wait for nap time, take nap, get up, have lunch, then second nap, then wait for Brayden to get home."

What else can I do?

I feel trapped and pretty much like there is no point to anything I do, besides spending tons of time playing with Max.

(I have to make sure he feels/knows he's loved so he won't ever want to do anything to disappoint me, plus teaching him ABC's so he'll be a child-genius and make us tons of money.)

So that's where I spend all of my time. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time!

But seriously, with no car and not much money I feel like I just have to sit here all day. It's mind-numbing sometimes.

I'm dieing to get some stimulation to my brain, I don't even mind being alone so much as I mind just being bored.

I got a sewing machine (well two, one little one for quickies, and a big one for the real stuff) but I am now overwhelmed by how much it takes to actually plan and sew something! I have no patterns and like a couple pieces of scrap material to practice on. Lame, what can I do with that?

So fail on sewing.

I also have paints and canvas for painting, which I dabble with from time to time, but now that Max is awake more during the day and into everything, it seems very difficult to start any kind of project.

I feel like it's all just pointless because even though I have all the time in the world, that time can't be spent doing anything that requires too much focus, seeing as my attention is always having to divert back to my son crying/puking/getting into everything!!

How do you get over this?

I know I can do whatever I want, but how do you get past all the thoughts that hold you back? Because I'm sure I stress more than is needed, because there are tons of mommies who have adorable little boutiques down here which requires TONS of time. So why can't I finish a painting I started before Max was born?!

UGH!!!!!!

P.S. Anyone have easy/cheap dinner ideas you want to throw my way?? I'm running out of ideas and I feel bad making the same thing twice in a week!

Does anyone really read this???

I get that I'm not too exciting, but really? No one?

Oh well, let's be honest, I blog for me.

My son is pretty much perfect, like make you feel horrible about your own kid, perfect. Must be my awesome parenting skills...what can I say, I'm pretty perfect myself! He's 10 months old, ALMOST 11 months...soon to be a year old, and he totally says "Dada"! Plus he is just plain brilliant in general, he takes after his daddy.

So on to my new baby....

Unknown Fetus is now exactly 9 weeks and 3 days old!!!! Only 214 days to go!

Fetus tote's is a girl, I can tell by how sick I am, Max fetus never made me feel THIS sick!

I pretty much LIVE on saltines and DIET Squirt (can't be having all that would-be sugar making me fat!) But I can't eat anything if it's not carby and has like ZERO veggies or fruit in it. My body refuses to ingest healthy things right now, just the thought of eating something that's not a bread or meat-type food makes me want to never eat again!

Side-note! (I've totally LOST weight from not wanting to eat, so grateful for this fetus helping mommy lose those extra lb's!)

Anyways, I lied before when I said that we won't be getting any medical from the state.. *PHEW!!! Found out that I still get insurance, and not only that, but it's the super-delux-awesome kind where there's no co-pays and everything is covered!!! Guess I better go get my pregnancy massage now for all my "back-pain" *wink *wink.

Well, pretty much life is super-awesome and full of blessings right now!! Hubs works normal hours now (9-5:30) so I get to play wifey again and have the house cleaned and dinner cooked when he gets home, which is WAY better than B. coming home at 10:30pm and I'm super depressed and he's not hungry anymore. That' REALLY puts a damper on (S-E-X), especially since I feel yucky and fat because I there's no one to look at me, so I don't get ready for the day.

So, blessings for everyone now!! I get to get ready for my hubby to see me and cook him delic' meals, and then we sit in the living room watching our beautiful son play.

I can't help it, our life is just so perfect! :D

I picked the right star to wish on!

I'm not one to truly believe that wishing gets you anywhere, but that doesn't mean I don't do it.

I can't believe I got what I wanted. How scary!

After heading to the Dr.'s last Monday to get a ..blood test...ick! I waited for what seemed FOREVER! Which turned out to only be 3 days...but 3 days too long! Anyways, I finally called the office because they were supposed to call me the next day, and of course they had my number wrong, so I told them to have the nurse call me back ASAP! I need to get on prenatals if I am, or find out what is wrong with me if I'm not! So FINALLY, nurse calls me and says "So, you want to know the results of the pregnancy test, right?" ....yes, that would be the idea.... "it was POSOTIVE." and my mouth hangs open.... "uhhh, alright."

Nurse, knowing that I'm being a bit quiet, says one more time, "Soo, it was posotive, ok?"

"umm, yea, ok, bye." CLICK*

I honestly WAS NOT expecting that I would actually be preggo, I thought, "hey, it's possible, but it's probably something else." So I was fully waiting to hear a "negative" and then I could make a Dr's appt to find out what's really wrong.

Uhhh, but no, there is a little cluster of cells growing inside of me that we like to refer to as a "fetus".

YEAY FOR FETUS'!!!

But wait....Brayden now makes too much to get any state assistance, so we are now going to be paying for our food and medical..which means, I'm gonna be paying for this Fetus! I hate that when you finally get back on your feet they punish you by taking away any help...lame system!

So, I am horribly scared, and overwhelmingly excited for this new addition to our family!

HOPE IT'S A GIRL!!!

Maximus

Yes please, may I have another?

I love this boy, he loves to get right in my face and smile until I laugh, and then he starts laughing too. I LOVE it!

He makes me want uno mas.

Secretly Praying

....That I'm pregnant.

I think I might be ready for another beast. I am "late" about 2 weeks, but with two FALSE tests, could I still be? I'm hoping, yes.

I'm sure there will be those who think I'm just bored and don't know what I'm talking about....true, I am slightly bored sitting at home all day, but I don't really want to add more sleepless nights into the equation unless it's more than just "being bored." Brayden is excited for our little "maybe", and of course I am too. But if I'm not "P", oh well, it'll happen when it happens.

I am concerned, then, of my constant tinkling. What is causing me to sprint to the bathroom every 30 minutes? I wake up about 3x's a night!! (just to tinkle ). I do not drink more than normal, which is generally MAYBE, 2 glasses of anything per day...bad, I know. So, why the constant flow? I'm stumped. Not to mention the crazy emotions!

Pretty sure I started crying while I watched Maury the other day. I never realized just how sad it is that those poor people actually LIVE like that normally! And those poor babies! Not knowing who their "Baby Daddy" is?! SAD!!!!! Plus the overwhelming LOVE I feel for my hubby lately. He is amazing, but I'm almost positive he's done nothing major to make this happen, just I have come to realize how much I appreciate him. But then, of course, if he says/does something I don't agree with, I get all grumpy and pouty and say he doesn't love me.

Ummmm....what the heck?! Maybe I'm about to "start", but I like to think I'm not that unstable regularly, even when it's "that time"

Don't worry, I'll let you know how it goes either way....