Today, today

It feels like everyday that I'm here I slip a little farther and farther away from where I want to be. My goals are still the same, but every single day I get caught up in some wasteful event that leaves me feeling empty inside by the time I'm kneeling down to pray at night. I hate to blame anyone or anything...but truthfully I find that living in a place that is full of people I have bad memories with is somewhat damaging to my progress. I know no matter what I can do whatever I want with my life, but right now the options are slim pickins. I find myself getting bored sitting around the house, so I agree to hang out with "old friends"- I don't do anything "wrong" but just being around those type of people kind of brings me down anyways. I really truthfully feel like I've regressed quite a bit in the last month or so. I don't like it. I really need good uplifting things to fill my time with. Filling my time with people and places that don't promote the spirit is seriously damaging my spirit I think, and I don't want to head back down any paths I've been before. I hate that I don't have any friends around here that are LDS that I can spend time with- I mean, there's always the LDS boys that are nice, but I seriously do not want to date anyone! And it's sweet and all for them to want to hang out with me, but I need a girl-friend my age that can help me stay on track right now. I love my mom, I know she's there for me- I love my sister, and I know she will talk to me whenever I need it too...but it's just not the same. I started out so strong when I came back to Ephrata, I could give up anything if it's what was asked of me...but now I'm thinking to myself..."well, it can't hurt THAT bad"- which scares me, cause I know where that thinking will lead me. I'm depressed over all of this, at my choices, and just mainly at where I'm at. I'm happy with were I'm at "in life" but physically speaking- I hate Ephrata. I have "rekindled" old friendships that possibly I should have left dead...and all out of boredom. It's a time waster for me for now, but already I'm noticing that I feel obligated to hang out with one person or another more than I really wanted to. That first step was the most important step, and I see now that maybe I need to back track a few steps now to get me going in the right direction. I feel bad that just as I have decided to start seeing old friends again, I'm cutting it off again so quickly- I feel like a horrible person, always going back and forth and playing with people's feelings. It was stupid of me, I know this- now I just want someone to help me stay away from those darker areas in my life. Right now it's not so bad because I can say no to whatever they offer me and think nothing of it- but how long will that last? If I put myself around it enough I know there will be a point that I start to think "maybe just once"..or whatever thought satan knows I will listen to at the time. So, I guess right now I honestly need to sit down and think about a few things in my life and make a final decision on what Kaylee wants the final outcome to be when it's all said and done. 'Cause right now, I don't think I would be so comfortable standing before God- and that is something that I need to think about long and hard. I pray that I can do this the right way and find myself holding tight to the iron rod, no matter what satan throws in my path.