Since no one reads this anyways...

So, seeing as nothing is ever "for sure", I don't want to get anyways hopes up, or scare them...whichever. But we are, as of this moment, planning moving back to Ephrata. Brayden lost his job and since I'm due just a few weeks after our lease is up here, we've decided to A) try to sell our lease to move now so we can be settle in and get started with life in WA before baby #2 comes. or B) wait it out here until our lease is up and then try and move while I'm big and preggo and then try and have Brayden look for a job here until then, and then a job in WA when we get there right as I'm having a baby.

You might be able to tell which idea I like more. :)  So I have our lease up online and so far we have had two people look at it, only issue is they have to qualify for the low-income housing that we're in, so if they don't pass, then we're stuck here. I think one of the people came and started the paperwork today, so I'm praying that if this is what we're supposed to do that they'll pass! haha. We'll see.

So, that is our plan for now.

All Pooped Out.

But seriously, Max pooped in the tub.
I blame myself for this one, and I mean seriously, it could have been avoided. I was sitting on the toilet (not using it, mind you) inputing stuff into my new razor phone, when I heard him grunting next to me in the tub. Since I was very focused, I thought to myself, without looking "sounds like he's pooping, but he's never pooped in the tub, he wouldn't do that! Must be a rough fart." So a few minutes later he starts to whimper. So I look over, and he is standing up with his hand on the side of the tub with a terd in it! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Oh, it stunk pretty bad! So I yelled for Brayden, because I don't deal with poop that isn't in a diaper, and I just sat there looking at my crying baby. I felt bad for him, but also was unclear as to where the poo was exactly, and if there was any on him, I did not want to touch it! I thought I was tougher than that, but apparently I am a bit queasy to the poo.

So Brayden yells at me to pick Max up so he isn't sitting in dirty poo water and to get over myself. ( Doh!)
So I pull him out, making sure his poo hand is nowhere close to me, and wrap him in a towel and get him all cleaned off. As I'm dressing him, I notice he stinks REALLY bad, so I start sniffing around trying to locate said smell. I was terrified he had EATEN some, I sniffed his breath....safe. Alas, it was the hand that originally held the poo!  I cleaned it, and made sure that he didn't stick that hand in my mouth (as he loves to do). But if he gets pinkeye tomorrow, we'll all know why!

The tub was drained, rinsed, then filled with buring hot water mixed with a TON of clorine. All toys involved are now soaking in that as well. I will drain, rinse, and repeat soon. Maybe even a third time if I can't control my anxiety about it yet, we'll see.

And that, my friends, is my first pooing-in-tub experience I had with Max. I hope it's also the last.

On the of[FENCE]ive.

Once again, I am letting you know that this may offend you, so if you don't like getting worked up over subjects, I suggest you exit my blog now.

That being said, I am calling into question those of my religion (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints..or "Mormons") on the subject of obedience to their leaders. I have been reading "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by President Spencer W. Kimball, and it has led me to some questioning of "us" as a whole.

The way Pres. Kimball speaks in his book is very straightforward and doesn't cushion the blows to those who are sinning. He makes it clear how serious sins are, and even helps clarify the difference between sins of commission (doing) and sins of omission (not doing). I received this book from a Bishop a few years ago, obviously because I was in desperate need of some help an guidance in understanding my sins, but because I found the book to be too harsh at the time I set it aside. I wasn't ready to hear how I was doing wrong, and what I needed to do to fix it. I wanted to reason away why it wasn't "that bad" and I thought the book was extreme. Sadly, I could have seriously benefited from hearing the things back then that I am hearing now.

So I am know at a point as I am reading this book that I am ashamed of my mistakes and sins, but also very aware of how many others are in the place I once was. Please understand that I am NOT judging, I am not a person who will ever be able to judge anyone on mistakes they have made....I have probably done 100x's worse. But I am concerned and heart broken over those who are rejecting the teachings of our leaders, the way I had. I think because I now understand just how serious each sin is, and how far we all have to go to become "perfect", I am dieing inside for those who still do not understand this and who are allowing Satan to whisper in their ears that casual sins won't keep them from celestial glory. I listened to Satan for too long, and I've seen where those baby steps lead, I've been there. Obviously not all will end up where I was, but the point Pres. Kimball makes is that, if it can lead to it, why take the first step? In the temple we make covenants, and some of them I think we kind of push aside and think nothing much of them, simply because we think "oh, come on, what's the harm in that?" But remember, it was Joseph Smith who felt bad and repented because of his "lightheartedness" and keeping company with a jovial crowd as a young boy. I wonder, why is it that he felt wrong for this? Now I know, we are told not to act in this way, and I think too many people brush it off. Believe me, I am at fault for acting this way, I like to have a good time and will sometimes joke inappropriately, but that doesn't make me feel better knowing that "everyone else is doing it".

I remember Prophet Hinkley asking us to refrain from getting more than one pair of earrings on one ear, to not get tattoos and such. But I thought it was only a suggestion, and as long as I wasn't "too extreme" then I was still "ok". I believe that is how many members of our faith think, that sometimes things are only "suggestions" and we are still fine to do or not do to a certain extent. We are all wrong, because whether it be by the Lord or his servants, it's all the same thing. If I heard the Lord say those things that we hear at conference, I'm sure I would try a heck of a lot harder to listen and obey, because, duh, Heavenly Father literally just said it. Sadly, truly He is speaking to us, those ARE his words, but because we are looking at a face of a mortal man, I think we don't listen as intently as we should. 

My plea is simple- obey. Obey for your own safety, obey for the safety of your children and families, obey because you love the Lord, obey because non-members are gathering their information about our church from YOU. Obey, obey, obey. I think it shows the kind of people we are when we will go to church, teach our lessons, go to the temple, yet we will wear bikinis swimming, we will curse, and we will watch movies that allow filth into our minds and homes. I find it incongruent with what we are taught. How can we teach our fellow brothers and sisters to do what is right when they do not have a solid example to follow! If we let ourselves be slack on "one or two" things that we are ask/told/commanded not to do, we are telling those around us, including our children, that it doesn't matter, and that it's "ok" to not do the "little things" because we still do the "big things".  But I know that it is the "little things" that truly show Heavenly Father the kind of person we are.

I hope we all start to listen a little more closely to what is asked of us. To go above and beyond what we normally do. I pray that you all become the example you were meant to be. 

Think of the change we could create in this world simply by following the commandments we have already been given. Do not let Satan win.

I just puked a little...

From excitment!!
 Max just took two steps on his own!!! I think my heart will explode with happiness! He's getting so big!!!

Because I'm better than you.

That's why.

I gave birth to a lion, what did you do?

Camera Shy.

I have to admit, I have refused to do any kind of decent pictures, especially using my "real" camera..aka, needs film, because it is such a popular hobby here in Utah.

But I have always had a secret love for photography. I could sit and look at other photographers photos all day! I think it is truly talent alone that can capture the true beauty of a moment. I believe everything is beautiful in it's own way, but it all depends upon your perception and how you capture it on film in order for others to appreciate it.

So, with a camera that has been laid to rest for some time, simply because of a dead battery,(though, it IS a single $11 battery), I am wanting to resurrect my camera and put down my quick snap digital in hopes of reigniting that spark I once had.

Now, I am far from being good, hence why I have been so tempted to stay away for so long, but I really REALLY love it. And I think that's really all that matters in the end. It doesn't matter that I'm not great at it, but what does matter is that it gives me joy.

So, if husband permits, I will buy the needed battery and use up the new pack of film I bought a year ago.

Wish me luck!!!

Love him!!

Maximus Anthony Hord.... you just make me smile.

You will be an awesome brother!!

My big boy!

So the other day I was feeling "nice" and decided to give Max a little treat after lunch. So I grabbed one of his spoons and put some Nutella on it for him to suck on. Apparently he was hooked! I had to fight him to give back his spoon after it was gone. So Here's a few pictures I snapped while he was peacefully enjoying his little treat.

He was very intent on just sucking on it. He seemed a bit annoyed that I was trying to make him smile for pictures too.

So by the end of his snack he had smeared it everywhere trying to lick every last bit off his hands and the spoon. He missed quite a bit though.

Thankfully he LOVES baths, so he willingly jumped right in.

Notice the chocolaty hand stains-

He was watching me fill up the tub, so his little hand smears were left behind.

I was a bit grossed out over how brown the water was, but I guess that's what happens when you mix chocolate and water. It was pretty gross with little chunks of chocolate floating around though. :(

I love my little boy! He makes life so entertaining!!

I am secretly hoping now that this new little addition to our family is a boy as well, I just really want Max to have a buddy that's so close in age! He needs a friend so bad!

I feel so bad when we're out and he gets all giggly watching kids play at the park. He wants to go play with them, but they would trample him! I just wish he had more little people to play with, it makes me so sad to see how happy he is when other kids are around. I feel so bad that he has to be alone so much, well with me, but I'm just mommy.

Another thing lately has been that Max is now aware of Brayden leaving for work and when he comes home too. It seriously breaks my heart to see Max cry when he watches Brayden leave in the morning. All during the day he gets excited when he thinks he hears the door open. Usually if we're in our bedroom when Brayden gets home Max will hear the door and start smiling and wait at the end of the bed staring at the doorway for his daddy to come in. He gets so excited to see his daddy!

Today while he was eating lunch the air pressure in the hallway from a neighbor opening/closing their door made our door sound like it opened, and Max immediately turned around and said "dada!" Ugh! I wanted to cry! It kills me to see him get so excited when I know daddy isn't home yet. :( But I'm so happy that he's learning and makes the connections between the sounds that mean daddy's home. He's mommy's little genius!!!!! <3

Domestics.

Last night my wonderful little baby-kins slept peacefully through the night! He was cooing and giggling, making all sorts of precious sounds. I was in love. My hubby-wubby was dead asleep, so he wasn't able to enjoy this little gift, though he also was unable to share the joy of listening to our neighbors have their weekly domestic. Nope, that was all mine to enjoy alone!

I woke up at 1:45am to a door slamming. Yep, it has begun.

Immediately I hear the all too familiar screams of a drunken tirade outside my window. (such a blessing!) I sit and enjoy hearing about what new issue has popped up within the family, and yes, instead of the sister being disowned, this time it's the younger brother. Ahhh, if only my family was that close. :)

I try to go back to sleep, but find it difficult to block out the stream of F-words that come flying through my window clear as day. I am actually quite impressed, I had no idea you could actually express yourself using ONLY the F-word. I think I heard that word more in that hour than I had EVER heard in my entire life combined. Kudos my drunk friend, you have officially fried your brain past functioning.

So, I am slightly annoyed that I am unable to enjoy the fact that my son has not yet woken up screaming so loud my ears bleed.. (I mean, he giggles sweetly in his crib to wake me up.) So I get up and look out the window and notice that it is not actually my neighbor outside this time, it's his younger brother (which I gathered by such phrases as: "He's no longer my brother!" and "I may be a drunk, but he's 30 and acts like he did when he was 10. At least I act my age.")

Then I hear him say, "Well if the cops come and see blood I'll tell them it's because he came at me! That's what happened!" (Feel free to be colorful with your language while reading this if you want it to be more accurate. I took the liberty to report what I heard void of bleeps.)

So after several more comments about his brother bleeding, I start to wonder if my neighbors child is visiting this weekend, but I assume she is not, because there tends to be peace and quiet when she's around...he's a great parent.) So I am a bit more on edge, but tell myself that it will be over soon, as I am rocking myself in the corner of my closet. Oh wait, nope, that was during my childhood. So I lay in bed trying to apologize to God for the fact that there are a billion F-bombs swimming inside my head now, and hoping that he'll soon go inside. But, no luck.

He keeps going quieter as he relaxes into his drunkenness, but then somebody that's out there with him decides to make a comment (I am guessing) that sets him off again. So again I hear, loud as ever, "He's DEAD! No, I mean he's going to DIE! I'm gonna stomp his face into the curb!" Pure rage. My little heart putters and then drops into my butt. I am not a fan of violence, but I don't really do anything to stop it either..I'm sort of a wimp like that.

But I thought long and hard about if I should call the cops or not, and I felt that it's what needed to happen. I considered the fact that this guy was obviously way too drunk and probably had no idea what he was saying...but I figured a little scare from the police would hopefully deter him from continuing his tirade, and maybe keep his brother from instigating any more domestics. I can only hope though.

So I call 911.

I explain what's going on, the threats I heard him say, and that his brother may or may not be bleeding. Then, when they ask for the address, I go tard. Probably saying my address wrong about 5 times before writing it down to remember it. (side note, why does utah use numbers as road names?!) So, about 5 minutes later they show up.

I watch from the window, sense there's no point in trying to sleep until this is 100% over. (I'm too excited to sleep![Disney Commercial circa 1990])

And so, about 20 minutes later, after looking for blood on the brother outside and finding none, and apparently no hurt brother inside the house, they get all jolly and start laughing about stuff. Not sure what, seeing as they arn't screaming it anymore. So they all shake hands and little brother and friends go inside-brother limping.(?)

The cops stand around chit-chatting for a bit longer and then all jump-high five before sliding across the hoods of their cars and driving off. (Maybe I made that up.)

The end.

Hopefully this is the last of the domestics around here.

Coming Out.

No, I'm not gay, but I am coming out about my feelings about the gay community. So, buyer beware! If you know you'll get upset or offended, I suggest you stop reading!

Let me just start by saying that I honestly do not "HATE" anyone who is attracted to the same sex. My views on same-sex attraction is that it may not be a "choice" in the sense that you consciously think to yourself that you are going to choose to reject one sex and choose the other. More, I think, is that it's like someone who has a predisposition to alcoholism. Though there is not a conscious choice to become an alcoholic, the susceptibility is greater for certain individuals than for others. So, in comparison, both individuals do have the choice to refrain from taking the first step, though the desire and urge may feel almost like there is no choice at all.

You may or may not agree with me, and that's completely alright, because I do not think that we are all going to agree 100% with one another on most issues and topics. We have all had experiences that have given us different pieces of knowledge and with those we form our opinions, so it's quite alright if you only partially agree with me, or not at all.

Now that you know how I feel about homosexuality, that I do not feel any sort of anger or hate towards those who are, in my eyes, "struggling with the flesh", I hope you will better understand where I come from when I talk about my annoyance with this situation.

I am very annoyed by the fact that those who have this problem constantly insist on everyone accepting their idea of "love" and what is "normal". I do not agree, and no matter how much information I get about homosexuality and what they believe is a "healthy" relationship within their ideals, I will not, EVER, believe that this is right. I am not rude, ignorant, or judgmental. I am simply informed on this subject by a higher power, and nothing you say or do is going to make me question what I already know to be true. My thought is, I won't lecture you if you don't lecture me.

Now, my main reason for even writing anything about this subject is the fact that it is literally in my backyard and in my living room. I can choose to not watch shows that encourage or spend tons of time deliberating over this topic, I can, to a point, protect myself and my family from the constant threat and attack. But now, I am not too sure that I really can anymore. I won't complain that it is such a "hot" topic, or the fact that it is now a constant topic in church meetings and conferences. It makes me a bit sick to know that that is where we are having to focus our attention, but oh well. What I do not like, is that not only do I have to hear about it every 2 minutes on the news, but that it's not positive in any form. It is always "them" against "us". And I'm truly sick of this war. Right now there is pretty much a "gay army" marching around in SLC trying to say that the LDS church, and more specifically, Boyd K. Packer, is wrong is saying that homosexuality is wrong and can be overcome. Here, read this: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=12795071 .

Now, I believe that we should not be rude and hurtful to anyone because they choose a different lifestyle than you do. I am quite grateful for those who were kind to me while I chose to lead a life that was contrary to my upbringing, but nonetheless, I respect the fact that those same people did not feel comfortable with me in their home. I never got upset because I knew that I was choosing to do something contrary to what they were trying to teach their families, and that is their right and not my place to throw a fit because I didn't feel "welcome" at the time. I knew I was welcome once I chose to clean myself up and took away the possible threat of damaging the work they had done for their families. So I feel that it is very selfish for the gay community to constantly be barging into homes and forcing their lifestyle on those around them. It is rude and disrespectful of them. I wouldn't feel differently if it were a group of heroin addicts, or alcoholics. I'm sure they are all good people and I will never think that I am worth more than them, but it is MY right to disagree with their lifestyles and to choose to not let them control my life and what I say and do on the chance that I will offend them.

So, I am sorry that their feelings get hurt, I truly am, because I think we should have more tact when talking about such a sensitive subject and not just immediately start bashing and name-calling. (I hope I've done my best to not do those things now). But, I do also believe that it is somewhat silly and delusional to put yourself in a situation where you know there is a high if not certain probability of getting offended, and I guess hoping that it won't happen. Though, I do think that maybe they (the gay community) wanted something more to fight about, so that is why they chose to watch General Conference, fully aware of our believes on sexuality and marriage, and when, as expected, they did mention this issue, they took to fight-mode.

Lastly, if I have to be extremely careful of what I say/do/watch in order to not be fully submerged in this issue, why does it not go both ways? If the gay community truly wanted acceptance, wouldn't you be doing more positive things to be seen as a positive? Instead of always doing hateful/harmful things to show how much you're hurt/angry over your nonacceptance? It doesn't make sense. If you don't want to hear what the straight community thinks, do what WE have to do to not hear what YOU think. It's stupid to put yourself in the middle of something and then cry that it happened.

GAY/STRAIGHT/SINGLE/MILLIONAIRE/POOR...ect. We are all humans looking for the same thing: Love and acceptance..and in order to get that, we have to love and accept those around us.

(*Acceptance does not mean agreeing with, but accepting someone faults and all.)

Max's big day out!

Max had is first day at the park!!

He was still a bit nervous to move around too much, but he loved crawling around inside the little tube thingy and peaking at me through the holes!

UGH!! Who doesn't love this little chubby boy?!?!

FAIL.

I may or may not have had a bit of a break-down yesterday. DON'T JUDGE ME!!

So, though we are SUPER blessed and life is great, I am going a bit nuts sitting inside my cramped little apartment having incoherent conversations with my child. Do not get me wrong here, I adore his babbling and I love spending 24/7 with him!! And who wouldn't? He's perfect...

But I just find myself doing less and less each day. I get up and think, "OK, feed Max, wait for nap time, take nap, get up, have lunch, then second nap, then wait for Brayden to get home."

What else can I do?

I feel trapped and pretty much like there is no point to anything I do, besides spending tons of time playing with Max.

(I have to make sure he feels/knows he's loved so he won't ever want to do anything to disappoint me, plus teaching him ABC's so he'll be a child-genius and make us tons of money.)

So that's where I spend all of my time. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time!

But seriously, with no car and not much money I feel like I just have to sit here all day. It's mind-numbing sometimes.

I'm dieing to get some stimulation to my brain, I don't even mind being alone so much as I mind just being bored.

I got a sewing machine (well two, one little one for quickies, and a big one for the real stuff) but I am now overwhelmed by how much it takes to actually plan and sew something! I have no patterns and like a couple pieces of scrap material to practice on. Lame, what can I do with that?

So fail on sewing.

I also have paints and canvas for painting, which I dabble with from time to time, but now that Max is awake more during the day and into everything, it seems very difficult to start any kind of project.

I feel like it's all just pointless because even though I have all the time in the world, that time can't be spent doing anything that requires too much focus, seeing as my attention is always having to divert back to my son crying/puking/getting into everything!!

How do you get over this?

I know I can do whatever I want, but how do you get past all the thoughts that hold you back? Because I'm sure I stress more than is needed, because there are tons of mommies who have adorable little boutiques down here which requires TONS of time. So why can't I finish a painting I started before Max was born?!

UGH!!!!!!

P.S. Anyone have easy/cheap dinner ideas you want to throw my way?? I'm running out of ideas and I feel bad making the same thing twice in a week!

Does anyone really read this???

I get that I'm not too exciting, but really? No one?

Oh well, let's be honest, I blog for me.

My son is pretty much perfect, like make you feel horrible about your own kid, perfect. Must be my awesome parenting skills...what can I say, I'm pretty perfect myself! He's 10 months old, ALMOST 11 months...soon to be a year old, and he totally says "Dada"! Plus he is just plain brilliant in general, he takes after his daddy.

So on to my new baby....

Unknown Fetus is now exactly 9 weeks and 3 days old!!!! Only 214 days to go!

Fetus tote's is a girl, I can tell by how sick I am, Max fetus never made me feel THIS sick!

I pretty much LIVE on saltines and DIET Squirt (can't be having all that would-be sugar making me fat!) But I can't eat anything if it's not carby and has like ZERO veggies or fruit in it. My body refuses to ingest healthy things right now, just the thought of eating something that's not a bread or meat-type food makes me want to never eat again!

Side-note! (I've totally LOST weight from not wanting to eat, so grateful for this fetus helping mommy lose those extra lb's!)

Anyways, I lied before when I said that we won't be getting any medical from the state.. *PHEW!!! Found out that I still get insurance, and not only that, but it's the super-delux-awesome kind where there's no co-pays and everything is covered!!! Guess I better go get my pregnancy massage now for all my "back-pain" *wink *wink.

Well, pretty much life is super-awesome and full of blessings right now!! Hubs works normal hours now (9-5:30) so I get to play wifey again and have the house cleaned and dinner cooked when he gets home, which is WAY better than B. coming home at 10:30pm and I'm super depressed and he's not hungry anymore. That' REALLY puts a damper on (S-E-X), especially since I feel yucky and fat because I there's no one to look at me, so I don't get ready for the day.

So, blessings for everyone now!! I get to get ready for my hubby to see me and cook him delic' meals, and then we sit in the living room watching our beautiful son play.

I can't help it, our life is just so perfect! :D

I picked the right star to wish on!

I'm not one to truly believe that wishing gets you anywhere, but that doesn't mean I don't do it.

I can't believe I got what I wanted. How scary!

After heading to the Dr.'s last Monday to get a ..blood test...ick! I waited for what seemed FOREVER! Which turned out to only be 3 days...but 3 days too long! Anyways, I finally called the office because they were supposed to call me the next day, and of course they had my number wrong, so I told them to have the nurse call me back ASAP! I need to get on prenatals if I am, or find out what is wrong with me if I'm not! So FINALLY, nurse calls me and says "So, you want to know the results of the pregnancy test, right?" ....yes, that would be the idea.... "it was POSOTIVE." and my mouth hangs open.... "uhhh, alright."

Nurse, knowing that I'm being a bit quiet, says one more time, "Soo, it was posotive, ok?"

"umm, yea, ok, bye." CLICK*

I honestly WAS NOT expecting that I would actually be preggo, I thought, "hey, it's possible, but it's probably something else." So I was fully waiting to hear a "negative" and then I could make a Dr's appt to find out what's really wrong.

Uhhh, but no, there is a little cluster of cells growing inside of me that we like to refer to as a "fetus".

YEAY FOR FETUS'!!!

But wait....Brayden now makes too much to get any state assistance, so we are now going to be paying for our food and medical..which means, I'm gonna be paying for this Fetus! I hate that when you finally get back on your feet they punish you by taking away any help...lame system!

So, I am horribly scared, and overwhelmingly excited for this new addition to our family!

HOPE IT'S A GIRL!!!

Maximus

Yes please, may I have another?

I love this boy, he loves to get right in my face and smile until I laugh, and then he starts laughing too. I LOVE it!

He makes me want uno mas.

Secretly Praying

....That I'm pregnant.

I think I might be ready for another beast. I am "late" about 2 weeks, but with two FALSE tests, could I still be? I'm hoping, yes.

I'm sure there will be those who think I'm just bored and don't know what I'm talking about....true, I am slightly bored sitting at home all day, but I don't really want to add more sleepless nights into the equation unless it's more than just "being bored." Brayden is excited for our little "maybe", and of course I am too. But if I'm not "P", oh well, it'll happen when it happens.

I am concerned, then, of my constant tinkling. What is causing me to sprint to the bathroom every 30 minutes? I wake up about 3x's a night!! (just to tinkle ). I do not drink more than normal, which is generally MAYBE, 2 glasses of anything per day...bad, I know. So, why the constant flow? I'm stumped. Not to mention the crazy emotions!

Pretty sure I started crying while I watched Maury the other day. I never realized just how sad it is that those poor people actually LIVE like that normally! And those poor babies! Not knowing who their "Baby Daddy" is?! SAD!!!!! Plus the overwhelming LOVE I feel for my hubby lately. He is amazing, but I'm almost positive he's done nothing major to make this happen, just I have come to realize how much I appreciate him. But then, of course, if he says/does something I don't agree with, I get all grumpy and pouty and say he doesn't love me.

Ummmm....what the heck?! Maybe I'm about to "start", but I like to think I'm not that unstable regularly, even when it's "that time"

Don't worry, I'll let you know how it goes either way....

Eternal love

I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for what I have, but I'm going to try!

First off, I have one amazing husband. We have been through so much together, I'm sure there have been many times when it would have been easier to just walk away, but we've stuck it out. I couldn't be happier. Every day things just get better and better, just when I think things are as good as they can get, he does something to make it even better. My heart is so full of love for Brayden, especially since we were sealed together in the temple, there is a noticeable change between us.

We have committed to be together for not only this life, but for the rest of eternity, it helps put things in perspective for us. It's easier to overlook the little things, because now I know that in the long run, it won't matter. What matters is that we are always on the same page, working together towards the same goals. Having a partner to be by my side through everything is more than I could ask for. My life finally has joy in it. I wake up every day with a heart full of thanks to God for the blessing of having my husband and my son in my life. I don't know how I ever lived without them before, my life was pointless before them, and now I have a purpose because of them.

My son, Max, is my second biggest blessing next to my husband. It doesn't matter if he keeps me up all night crying, or he poops,pukes, or pees on me, I enjoy every moment that I have with him. Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother, it was pretty much my only goal...sadly. For a long time I didn't think I could have kids, especially when I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was scared, but hopeful. Then, two weeks after getting married, I got pregnant with my little Maximus! I was terrified that I wouldn't be a good enough mother for him because of my past mistakes. I didn't want to screw up this perfect little soul that God was entrusting to me. But I reminded myself that this was a miracle, the one thing I ever wanted, I was finally getting, even after I was told that it would be extremely difficult for me. The first time I saw my little monster on the ultrasound, I fell in love. I didn't understand how anyone could look at that screen and say they wanted to end its life, but I guess everyone has their excuses.

When Max was born he was taken away from me for two hours because he was dehydrated, it was the longest hours of my life! He was so perfect! The entire time we were in the hospital, and every day after, he was so sweet and peaceful. My life has been forever changed because of my little angel. There is something remarkable about being a mother, I have been awakened from a sleep it feels like. My entire life is now devoted to this little man. It makes me love my husband so much more, I want to make sure we have an amazing relationship and we never fight so our son never has to experience what Brayden and I had to.

I am so grateful that Brayden and I have chosen to depend on our Heavenly Father for all things. I have found that simply having a pure desire for something good is all it takes to get it. Every time I've truly wanted to better myself in an area, the Lord has blessed me. I believe that the reason we are so blessed is because we acknowledge the Lord's hand in all things. I know I would be nothing without Him, I would have nothing without Him. I just can't remember how I lived without my family before, it all seems like a blur until this point in my life. Like I wasn't really living until now. I seriously cannot believe how amazingly blessed I am! Yes, we're poor, yes we shop at thrift stores, and yes, we drive a '95 Saturn that's bright teal and smells like smoke and dogs. But oh well, all that stuff is temporary. I know that when I die all that stuff will not matter, because I will have my husband and children with me, and I could never ask God for anything more than that!

I trust in God, but not only that, I FEAR God! I know that He has given me all, and He can take all back. I don't ever want to offend Him, and that's mainly because I LOVE Him! I am blessed in my health, to be in this country, that I can have children, that I have the freedom to write this, that I have a save place to sleep at night, family that loves us, friends, food in my fridge, a full pantry, a husband who wants to work so I can stay home, clean clothes, a tv, computer, all things, but above all else, a savior who chose to give his life, willingly, to ensure that I could make it back to my Father above... and I know he would do it even if I was the only one to save! I'm grateful for the fact that I can repent of my past mistakes, and that I am forgiven too. =D

How could I ever complain?

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