I just puked a little...

From excitment!!
 Max just took two steps on his own!!! I think my heart will explode with happiness! He's getting so big!!!

Because I'm better than you.

That's why.

I gave birth to a lion, what did you do?

Camera Shy.

I have to admit, I have refused to do any kind of decent pictures, especially using my "real" camera..aka, needs film, because it is such a popular hobby here in Utah.

But I have always had a secret love for photography. I could sit and look at other photographers photos all day! I think it is truly talent alone that can capture the true beauty of a moment. I believe everything is beautiful in it's own way, but it all depends upon your perception and how you capture it on film in order for others to appreciate it.

So, with a camera that has been laid to rest for some time, simply because of a dead battery,(though, it IS a single $11 battery), I am wanting to resurrect my camera and put down my quick snap digital in hopes of reigniting that spark I once had.

Now, I am far from being good, hence why I have been so tempted to stay away for so long, but I really REALLY love it. And I think that's really all that matters in the end. It doesn't matter that I'm not great at it, but what does matter is that it gives me joy.

So, if husband permits, I will buy the needed battery and use up the new pack of film I bought a year ago.

Wish me luck!!!

Love him!!

Maximus Anthony Hord.... you just make me smile.

You will be an awesome brother!!

My big boy!

So the other day I was feeling "nice" and decided to give Max a little treat after lunch. So I grabbed one of his spoons and put some Nutella on it for him to suck on. Apparently he was hooked! I had to fight him to give back his spoon after it was gone. So Here's a few pictures I snapped while he was peacefully enjoying his little treat.

He was very intent on just sucking on it. He seemed a bit annoyed that I was trying to make him smile for pictures too.

So by the end of his snack he had smeared it everywhere trying to lick every last bit off his hands and the spoon. He missed quite a bit though.

Thankfully he LOVES baths, so he willingly jumped right in.

Notice the chocolaty hand stains-

He was watching me fill up the tub, so his little hand smears were left behind.

I was a bit grossed out over how brown the water was, but I guess that's what happens when you mix chocolate and water. It was pretty gross with little chunks of chocolate floating around though. :(

I love my little boy! He makes life so entertaining!!

I am secretly hoping now that this new little addition to our family is a boy as well, I just really want Max to have a buddy that's so close in age! He needs a friend so bad!

I feel so bad when we're out and he gets all giggly watching kids play at the park. He wants to go play with them, but they would trample him! I just wish he had more little people to play with, it makes me so sad to see how happy he is when other kids are around. I feel so bad that he has to be alone so much, well with me, but I'm just mommy.

Another thing lately has been that Max is now aware of Brayden leaving for work and when he comes home too. It seriously breaks my heart to see Max cry when he watches Brayden leave in the morning. All during the day he gets excited when he thinks he hears the door open. Usually if we're in our bedroom when Brayden gets home Max will hear the door and start smiling and wait at the end of the bed staring at the doorway for his daddy to come in. He gets so excited to see his daddy!

Today while he was eating lunch the air pressure in the hallway from a neighbor opening/closing their door made our door sound like it opened, and Max immediately turned around and said "dada!" Ugh! I wanted to cry! It kills me to see him get so excited when I know daddy isn't home yet. :( But I'm so happy that he's learning and makes the connections between the sounds that mean daddy's home. He's mommy's little genius!!!!! <3

Domestics.

Last night my wonderful little baby-kins slept peacefully through the night! He was cooing and giggling, making all sorts of precious sounds. I was in love. My hubby-wubby was dead asleep, so he wasn't able to enjoy this little gift, though he also was unable to share the joy of listening to our neighbors have their weekly domestic. Nope, that was all mine to enjoy alone!

I woke up at 1:45am to a door slamming. Yep, it has begun.

Immediately I hear the all too familiar screams of a drunken tirade outside my window. (such a blessing!) I sit and enjoy hearing about what new issue has popped up within the family, and yes, instead of the sister being disowned, this time it's the younger brother. Ahhh, if only my family was that close. :)

I try to go back to sleep, but find it difficult to block out the stream of F-words that come flying through my window clear as day. I am actually quite impressed, I had no idea you could actually express yourself using ONLY the F-word. I think I heard that word more in that hour than I had EVER heard in my entire life combined. Kudos my drunk friend, you have officially fried your brain past functioning.

So, I am slightly annoyed that I am unable to enjoy the fact that my son has not yet woken up screaming so loud my ears bleed.. (I mean, he giggles sweetly in his crib to wake me up.) So I get up and look out the window and notice that it is not actually my neighbor outside this time, it's his younger brother (which I gathered by such phrases as: "He's no longer my brother!" and "I may be a drunk, but he's 30 and acts like he did when he was 10. At least I act my age.")

Then I hear him say, "Well if the cops come and see blood I'll tell them it's because he came at me! That's what happened!" (Feel free to be colorful with your language while reading this if you want it to be more accurate. I took the liberty to report what I heard void of bleeps.)

So after several more comments about his brother bleeding, I start to wonder if my neighbors child is visiting this weekend, but I assume she is not, because there tends to be peace and quiet when she's around...he's a great parent.) So I am a bit more on edge, but tell myself that it will be over soon, as I am rocking myself in the corner of my closet. Oh wait, nope, that was during my childhood. So I lay in bed trying to apologize to God for the fact that there are a billion F-bombs swimming inside my head now, and hoping that he'll soon go inside. But, no luck.

He keeps going quieter as he relaxes into his drunkenness, but then somebody that's out there with him decides to make a comment (I am guessing) that sets him off again. So again I hear, loud as ever, "He's DEAD! No, I mean he's going to DIE! I'm gonna stomp his face into the curb!" Pure rage. My little heart putters and then drops into my butt. I am not a fan of violence, but I don't really do anything to stop it either..I'm sort of a wimp like that.

But I thought long and hard about if I should call the cops or not, and I felt that it's what needed to happen. I considered the fact that this guy was obviously way too drunk and probably had no idea what he was saying...but I figured a little scare from the police would hopefully deter him from continuing his tirade, and maybe keep his brother from instigating any more domestics. I can only hope though.

So I call 911.

I explain what's going on, the threats I heard him say, and that his brother may or may not be bleeding. Then, when they ask for the address, I go tard. Probably saying my address wrong about 5 times before writing it down to remember it. (side note, why does utah use numbers as road names?!) So, about 5 minutes later they show up.

I watch from the window, sense there's no point in trying to sleep until this is 100% over. (I'm too excited to sleep![Disney Commercial circa 1990])

And so, about 20 minutes later, after looking for blood on the brother outside and finding none, and apparently no hurt brother inside the house, they get all jolly and start laughing about stuff. Not sure what, seeing as they arn't screaming it anymore. So they all shake hands and little brother and friends go inside-brother limping.(?)

The cops stand around chit-chatting for a bit longer and then all jump-high five before sliding across the hoods of their cars and driving off. (Maybe I made that up.)

The end.

Hopefully this is the last of the domestics around here.

Coming Out.

No, I'm not gay, but I am coming out about my feelings about the gay community. So, buyer beware! If you know you'll get upset or offended, I suggest you stop reading!

Let me just start by saying that I honestly do not "HATE" anyone who is attracted to the same sex. My views on same-sex attraction is that it may not be a "choice" in the sense that you consciously think to yourself that you are going to choose to reject one sex and choose the other. More, I think, is that it's like someone who has a predisposition to alcoholism. Though there is not a conscious choice to become an alcoholic, the susceptibility is greater for certain individuals than for others. So, in comparison, both individuals do have the choice to refrain from taking the first step, though the desire and urge may feel almost like there is no choice at all.

You may or may not agree with me, and that's completely alright, because I do not think that we are all going to agree 100% with one another on most issues and topics. We have all had experiences that have given us different pieces of knowledge and with those we form our opinions, so it's quite alright if you only partially agree with me, or not at all.

Now that you know how I feel about homosexuality, that I do not feel any sort of anger or hate towards those who are, in my eyes, "struggling with the flesh", I hope you will better understand where I come from when I talk about my annoyance with this situation.

I am very annoyed by the fact that those who have this problem constantly insist on everyone accepting their idea of "love" and what is "normal". I do not agree, and no matter how much information I get about homosexuality and what they believe is a "healthy" relationship within their ideals, I will not, EVER, believe that this is right. I am not rude, ignorant, or judgmental. I am simply informed on this subject by a higher power, and nothing you say or do is going to make me question what I already know to be true. My thought is, I won't lecture you if you don't lecture me.

Now, my main reason for even writing anything about this subject is the fact that it is literally in my backyard and in my living room. I can choose to not watch shows that encourage or spend tons of time deliberating over this topic, I can, to a point, protect myself and my family from the constant threat and attack. But now, I am not too sure that I really can anymore. I won't complain that it is such a "hot" topic, or the fact that it is now a constant topic in church meetings and conferences. It makes me a bit sick to know that that is where we are having to focus our attention, but oh well. What I do not like, is that not only do I have to hear about it every 2 minutes on the news, but that it's not positive in any form. It is always "them" against "us". And I'm truly sick of this war. Right now there is pretty much a "gay army" marching around in SLC trying to say that the LDS church, and more specifically, Boyd K. Packer, is wrong is saying that homosexuality is wrong and can be overcome. Here, read this: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=12795071 .

Now, I believe that we should not be rude and hurtful to anyone because they choose a different lifestyle than you do. I am quite grateful for those who were kind to me while I chose to lead a life that was contrary to my upbringing, but nonetheless, I respect the fact that those same people did not feel comfortable with me in their home. I never got upset because I knew that I was choosing to do something contrary to what they were trying to teach their families, and that is their right and not my place to throw a fit because I didn't feel "welcome" at the time. I knew I was welcome once I chose to clean myself up and took away the possible threat of damaging the work they had done for their families. So I feel that it is very selfish for the gay community to constantly be barging into homes and forcing their lifestyle on those around them. It is rude and disrespectful of them. I wouldn't feel differently if it were a group of heroin addicts, or alcoholics. I'm sure they are all good people and I will never think that I am worth more than them, but it is MY right to disagree with their lifestyles and to choose to not let them control my life and what I say and do on the chance that I will offend them.

So, I am sorry that their feelings get hurt, I truly am, because I think we should have more tact when talking about such a sensitive subject and not just immediately start bashing and name-calling. (I hope I've done my best to not do those things now). But, I do also believe that it is somewhat silly and delusional to put yourself in a situation where you know there is a high if not certain probability of getting offended, and I guess hoping that it won't happen. Though, I do think that maybe they (the gay community) wanted something more to fight about, so that is why they chose to watch General Conference, fully aware of our believes on sexuality and marriage, and when, as expected, they did mention this issue, they took to fight-mode.

Lastly, if I have to be extremely careful of what I say/do/watch in order to not be fully submerged in this issue, why does it not go both ways? If the gay community truly wanted acceptance, wouldn't you be doing more positive things to be seen as a positive? Instead of always doing hateful/harmful things to show how much you're hurt/angry over your nonacceptance? It doesn't make sense. If you don't want to hear what the straight community thinks, do what WE have to do to not hear what YOU think. It's stupid to put yourself in the middle of something and then cry that it happened.

GAY/STRAIGHT/SINGLE/MILLIONAIRE/POOR...ect. We are all humans looking for the same thing: Love and acceptance..and in order to get that, we have to love and accept those around us.

(*Acceptance does not mean agreeing with, but accepting someone faults and all.)

Max's big day out!

Max had is first day at the park!!

He was still a bit nervous to move around too much, but he loved crawling around inside the little tube thingy and peaking at me through the holes!

UGH!! Who doesn't love this little chubby boy?!?!

FAIL.

I may or may not have had a bit of a break-down yesterday. DON'T JUDGE ME!!

So, though we are SUPER blessed and life is great, I am going a bit nuts sitting inside my cramped little apartment having incoherent conversations with my child. Do not get me wrong here, I adore his babbling and I love spending 24/7 with him!! And who wouldn't? He's perfect...

But I just find myself doing less and less each day. I get up and think, "OK, feed Max, wait for nap time, take nap, get up, have lunch, then second nap, then wait for Brayden to get home."

What else can I do?

I feel trapped and pretty much like there is no point to anything I do, besides spending tons of time playing with Max.

(I have to make sure he feels/knows he's loved so he won't ever want to do anything to disappoint me, plus teaching him ABC's so he'll be a child-genius and make us tons of money.)

So that's where I spend all of my time. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time!

But seriously, with no car and not much money I feel like I just have to sit here all day. It's mind-numbing sometimes.

I'm dieing to get some stimulation to my brain, I don't even mind being alone so much as I mind just being bored.

I got a sewing machine (well two, one little one for quickies, and a big one for the real stuff) but I am now overwhelmed by how much it takes to actually plan and sew something! I have no patterns and like a couple pieces of scrap material to practice on. Lame, what can I do with that?

So fail on sewing.

I also have paints and canvas for painting, which I dabble with from time to time, but now that Max is awake more during the day and into everything, it seems very difficult to start any kind of project.

I feel like it's all just pointless because even though I have all the time in the world, that time can't be spent doing anything that requires too much focus, seeing as my attention is always having to divert back to my son crying/puking/getting into everything!!

How do you get over this?

I know I can do whatever I want, but how do you get past all the thoughts that hold you back? Because I'm sure I stress more than is needed, because there are tons of mommies who have adorable little boutiques down here which requires TONS of time. So why can't I finish a painting I started before Max was born?!

UGH!!!!!!

P.S. Anyone have easy/cheap dinner ideas you want to throw my way?? I'm running out of ideas and I feel bad making the same thing twice in a week!

Does anyone really read this???

I get that I'm not too exciting, but really? No one?

Oh well, let's be honest, I blog for me.

My son is pretty much perfect, like make you feel horrible about your own kid, perfect. Must be my awesome parenting skills...what can I say, I'm pretty perfect myself! He's 10 months old, ALMOST 11 months...soon to be a year old, and he totally says "Dada"! Plus he is just plain brilliant in general, he takes after his daddy.

So on to my new baby....

Unknown Fetus is now exactly 9 weeks and 3 days old!!!! Only 214 days to go!

Fetus tote's is a girl, I can tell by how sick I am, Max fetus never made me feel THIS sick!

I pretty much LIVE on saltines and DIET Squirt (can't be having all that would-be sugar making me fat!) But I can't eat anything if it's not carby and has like ZERO veggies or fruit in it. My body refuses to ingest healthy things right now, just the thought of eating something that's not a bread or meat-type food makes me want to never eat again!

Side-note! (I've totally LOST weight from not wanting to eat, so grateful for this fetus helping mommy lose those extra lb's!)

Anyways, I lied before when I said that we won't be getting any medical from the state.. *PHEW!!! Found out that I still get insurance, and not only that, but it's the super-delux-awesome kind where there's no co-pays and everything is covered!!! Guess I better go get my pregnancy massage now for all my "back-pain" *wink *wink.

Well, pretty much life is super-awesome and full of blessings right now!! Hubs works normal hours now (9-5:30) so I get to play wifey again and have the house cleaned and dinner cooked when he gets home, which is WAY better than B. coming home at 10:30pm and I'm super depressed and he's not hungry anymore. That' REALLY puts a damper on (S-E-X), especially since I feel yucky and fat because I there's no one to look at me, so I don't get ready for the day.

So, blessings for everyone now!! I get to get ready for my hubby to see me and cook him delic' meals, and then we sit in the living room watching our beautiful son play.

I can't help it, our life is just so perfect! :D