I love being pregnant!

Okay, not really. But it's actually not half as bad as I thought it would be. All the discomforts have been quite manageable, I haven't had any real complications, and the end has come sooner than I thought. Just recently my back and hips have been throbbing, making it sometimes near impossible to sleep more than 30mins at a time, but even still, I'm usually pretty well rested when I wake up. Makes me wonder.... will my son be a monster? Did I get this nice easy pregnancy because God knew what I was in for in the end?? I hope not, but even so, isn't that supposed to be part of being a mother, all the stress and pain of raising a child? I can't wait! =]

Now, if only this little guy would come out! I know I'm not due until the 16th, but come this Monday, that'll be two weeks away...which by my calculations means that he should come out then! ha! Oh, I wish! I guess all the whining and complaining won't make him come any sooner, so I'm going to try and not concern myself with "due dates", and just keep going like he won't be here for another month or so...maybe then I'll be happy with whenever he comes!! =] We'll see!

Familia

Last Friday my dad and Trudy came down to visit! I was great having them around, especially since they cooked (haha). But seriously.... I miss being close to family now. I guess that's what happens when you "grow up".. you tend to move away and try and find what's right for you. sometimes I wonder if leaving Ephrata was all that smart... but then I try and imagine living there still, and I get quite frustrated! We moved here so Brayden could go to school and we could be close by Ryan and Morgan, but I miss everyone back home so much, it almost doesn't feel worth it. All the struggles with insurance and money and such... it's no fun. So it was really REALLY nice to have my dad and Trudy here, even just for a week. But of course when they left I was pretty dang sad. I can't help but be emotional as it is, so I really try to distance myself from my emotions so I'm not constantly crying. But, of course, once I see my dad crying, all walls are broken down! It's so hard to see your father cry! I am glad they made it home safely though, and I know soon enough they'll be back to visit, along with other family members, so I shouldn't be too sad.

Run-Down

I haven't written in a while, I'm a terrible blogger! So here's the run-down of what's been going on.

-We moved into our new apartment on September 8th

-We ran out of money around the same time from fixing the pathfinder

-Brayden started his new job at Teleperformance on the 8th as well

-My state medical FINALLY kicked in!

-While browsing online for furnishings for our house, I met the Fielding's family who are actually good friends of Leslie Pugh's family in Ephrata!

-Brayden has been trading guns online as a hobby, and currently traded for a 1916 gun (not sure of the name.)

-Brayden met a friend at work who took us shooting... Brayden triumphantly shot a squirrel.

-We went to dinner at the Fielding's, who turned out to be really nice and fun! They helped us load and unload all the furniture they GAVE us (amazing people!)

-I have my first doctor's appointment on Wednesday with my Midwife! (we'll see how I like her)

-The 24th... Brayden finally gets his first paycheck!

-Oh, and we sold the toyota, finally.

So there you go, not in perfect chronological order.. but pretty much you get it!

I can't wait for my Dr.'s appt.! I'll post again when I get back from it!!

Hope this one's a keeper!

Since our truck broke down, we obviously have had to depend highly upon Ryan and Morgan for transportation. Makes me feel bad... "hi, thanks for letting us live in your house for 3 weeks, oh, and by the way, could you take us wherever we need to go in the mean time as well?" Not the best feeling. ANYWAYS! All that is over (hopefully)! We just bought a 1993 Nissan Pathfinder for only $600!! Yes, the air-conditioning is broken, aaannnd it does tend to run pretty hot when going up hills, but other than that (both easily fixable) all is well! We purchased it from a nice LDS couple who decided to up their space when they had their baby, so they did actually lower the price from $700 to $600 for us for having to fix the problems.
Still.... $600?! People like to give away cars out here. All the ones for sale for $900 and under here, would easily sell for near $1,500 up in the Spokane area. So I think we got a pretty good deal. Though, buying a new car makes me a little nervous about our cash situation.. seeing as Brayden doesn't start work until next month. So we'll see what happens.
So here she is! We named her "shannon"

We made it! (Barely)

Most of you have probably already heard about our little trip problems, so bare with me as I rehash the details.
Well, we got on the road at 3am Saturday morning, and around 5:30am the truck was starting to putt up hills and throw fits if we wanted to go faster than 45mph. Brayden kept stopping to check different things, but we couldn't figure it out. So, one more stop 20minutes into the Blue Mountains left us with a car that refused to pull forward an inch. Thankfully, Brayden still had his AAA card his mom got him in high school and it had a FREE 200 mile tow on it!! We waited around about an hour for the tow truck to come, and sat 3 hours in a truck with an older fellow who apparently thought nothing of chain smoking next to a visibly pregnant woman. I was dieing the whole time, trying to breathe, and also starving since the last time I ate was 3am and it was about 10am by the time we got to our destination: Janelle & Tim's in Caldwell,ID.
The tow truck drove away and I headed inside to eat! Aunt Sandi, Coree, Janelle, and Tim where all there doing some canning and hanging out. So Brayden and I were fed and I was sent to bed while Brayden and Tim went to Uhaul to see how much a truck would be, so we could tow the truck behind that the rest of the way. Around 2pm they came home with just a car dolly.. no truck. My amazing cousin-in-law Tim offered to pull the truck THE REST OF THE WAY! (Another 7 hour drive!) So as soon as they had our truck all hooked up, we jumped into his truck, and started back on our journey.
We arrived at Ryan and Morgan's around 9pm, and then Tim just turned around and went home. (The Lord better bless him immensely for doing such a selfless act for us!!) Once again, I was starving, and thankfully Morgan had made enchiladas.. which were AMAZING! So we brought in the bed and a few other things, talked for a while, then crashed.
The whole time I was terrified that Caleb was dead because he hadn't kicked since about 5am... so I just knew the smoke in the truck soffocated him! (Lol). Thankfully the little guy is back to beating me up from the inside, so all is well!
We talked to the apartment manager today, and everthing is still set up for us, we're moving in September 1st, and will still get our first month free. Brayden and I have our interviews tomorrow, so hopefully that works out! All is looking good so far, only thing left is to have both our birth certificates mailed to us so that we can get food assistance and I can get back on medical! I'm already nervous that there will be complications with that and I won't get to a doctor when I need to. Though, I'm sure everthing is just fine.. I was just spoiled by my last doctor and was able to have an ultrasound at every appointment, so I'm used to always knowing and seeing how he's doing.
Wish us luck!!!!!!!!!!!

Utah

Now we're a couple of weeks away from the big 11 hour drive to Utah, we have a halfway house( haha) and getting everything together is kinda daunting. I dont understand how people can write and write on this. This is brayden writing, thought i'd Blog it up. SO, captain's log: day 1, The baby is a beast, and this is the place in which we're moving to, i hope its friendly!

Moving!

Whelp, Wednesday Brayden headed off to work, and I went back to sleep as usual.. only to be woken up an hour later by someone ceaselessly ringing the doorbell. What do you know, it's my husband! Apparently his boss thought it would be nice to let him drive the 30miles to work just so he could tell Brayden that he "doesn't work here anymore." Thankfully this job has been a stress to us both, and wasn't a terrible loss.
We've been wanting to move to Utah for a while now, and the night before were discussing when we should go. With no real answer as to when, I told Brayden to pray about it during the day and really think about it, and I'd do the same, and when he got home we would talk about how we both felt. Well, Brayden said he was praying about it and thinking about it in the car, and really asking the Lord when we should go, and I guess we both got the answer that sooner was better than later, thanks to his boss! haha. Little did he know, he was being used as an instrument by lord! Or something like that......
So basically we have decided that about two weeks is enough time to get things ready to move. We will be moving on the weekend of the 8th, and we both have job interviews on the 11th. Ryan & Morgan are going to be letting us stay with them until September so we can get all set up and get into our own apartment by the 1st. Also meaning, we are having to leave behind quite a bit of stuff, seeing as we are driving down in just our pickup packed with only the necessities. So this will be a little unnerving trying to get a house set up and preparing for a baby at the same time! But, I know we have both prayed about this endlessly and we both feel that Utah is where we need to be... for whatever reason... I trust that the Lord knows best though, so I'm not going to get too worked up over this.
I am sad that my mom, Kristin, and Auntie Sandy probably won't be in the delivery room with me like I had wanted... so hopefully Morgan can pull through for me! haha.
Now it's time to prepare for the journey ahead!

Classical music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_oo-_M4g7Y


I love classical music, I love it even more when it has been tastefully remixed. Enjoy.

HE'S ADORABLE!!!

Today was my 20week ultrasound. We didn't get a picture of his "manhood", but there is no question that he is a HE! The ultrasound tech was laughing about how well you could tell he was a boy! She said there was no mistaking it, and everytime she would pass over it she would just laugh about how it just stuck out there for everyone to see! Too funny! No wonder we were able to find out at 13weeks! haha. Anyways, here are a couple pics we took home today.

His little feet, he had them crossed all crazy.



His feet again. When we were watching him he was shaking them all over, it was so cute!!




I love this one of his face! Yes, he is a little bit skeletal, but he is sooo adorable! His big eyes and round belly are so dang cute!!!!


Lastly we got a picture of him from the side.. I think he looks more like a baby this way. His little mouth is open and his fist is clenched up at the top. ADORABLE!!!!

He just keeps getting cuter and cuter!! Only 20 more weeks until we get to meet him!

Our poor kids!

So there's an application on Facebook which allows you to create "baby pictures" useing you and your significant others' face. Soooo, without much further adu, I give you Brayden and my 3 children!

This one worries me...... =[


Oddly, I make a cute little boy... who looks eerily like little Loyd Burleson!!

And this one.. maybe it's the nose, but he looks too manly to be 3. All of extremely creepy to say the least!!
So I hope you enjoyed, but I'm more worried about what this little guy inside me must look like! :O!!

Blissfully ignorant.

I am blissfuly happy in my ignorance of what's to come. In the moment I am completely content with my life. I don't know if my life will stumble out of control in a week or two, redepositing me into the dark hole I just emerged from, but if it does, then I don't want to over-look this peaceful moment in my life. Life is a struggle, one where I am constantly finding my hands tied as I desperatly try to clean up the messes I've created. So please, no one take this tranquility from me.
I am so happy with my husband right now, and I've wondered if this is me settling, but I think I've just realized that any victory is still a victory. I may not get my fairy-tail life, but maybe that's not what was intended for me. Maybe it was and I just missed that chance. Who knows. All I know is that right now I am married to a man who I almost gave up, who is now proving to me that he really does want to do better in life and that he loves me. I can't believe the man that will walk through my front door in about an hour, give me a kiss and hold me, is the same one who gave up on happiness only a week ago. All it takes is a want to change, and I'm so thankful he wants to.
I don't understand God and his workings, I try my best to figure out what He wants.. but with no real luck there. But right now I think things have been going the way they have because I have not fully appreciate what exactly He has given me. I have so much to be thankful for, and all I could do was complain and cry to God about it. I am stuborn and opinionated, but I'm not stupid. I think God knew I would figure it out if He pushed me past my breaking point. So I thank Him for doing so. Had he not, I may have lost someone very important to me.
I'm only 21, I got married fast, got pregnant fast, and headed toward divorce fast. I probably should have taken my time, but that's how I was living my life; fast. Now I've had to slow down and really take a hard look at what it is that I'm doing.
I think I'm going to sit back and relax a little now. It's funny how sometimes everything in your life can be going seemingly great, but you are so depressed. It's even funnier how things can be falling apart all around you and you couldn't be happier. As long as Brayden and I are good, I think everything will be good to me. I can't wait to meet the little man we created together! So for now, I think even though nothing's figured out as to what comes next, I'm going to just enjoy the fact that my little family is still together right now. =]

California

Thursday morning Brayden and I left for Anza, California, but the trip started out pretty bad for me. All that pressure changing and turbulence on the plane made me sick the whole time. Then after Brayden's amazing mom and step-dad came to pick us up, we had to drive through some windy roads up a mountain, which left me even more naseated. BUT, the scenery was gorgeous! So worst of the trip was the driving (which we had to do to get anywhere) and the planes, other than that it was pretty fun.

We visited a little mountain town about 20 minutes away called Idyllwild, which is now my favorite place. It was so green and beautiful up there! It looks like quite a small town because every house is hidden behind so many trees, but it actually has about 1,000 more people than Ephrata does. Brayden and his dad Nick took me to the local look-out point up there, it was so amazing! I was terrified because you drive up to the edge of this mountain, but it wasn't too bad. They hiked down a little, but I stayed up where it was safe =]. It was so pretty though, all around was gorgeous mountains, and off in the distance you could see all these huge towns, and even the ocean. I loved it!

I had a good time, especially since I was finally able to meet most of my in-laws! I think they liked me, and I really loved them!! They already bought so many baby clothes for me, and Brayden's mom even bought me a few outfits from Motherhood. I felt like I was being spoiled, but I loved it! haha.

"Can a banana fit in there?"

I've been trying to get Brayden a little more into the fact that I'm pregnant with his kid. For some reason guys just don't seem as interested in the whole pregnancy thing, usually takes the kid actually being born for them to realize "Wow! It's a baby!" So, I get emails weekly with updates about how far along I am and other tidbits of pregnancy info, one of which was a video of the 3 trimesters and the changes the baby goes though. So I watched them, loving every second of it, and falling deeper in love with this little guy inside of me... and I thought juuuuust maybe this video was something that could get Brayden a little more interested in what's going on.


Sunday morning after we're both ready for church, I sit down and casually bring up the video's and turn up the sound so I know he can hear in the other room. So I watch the first parts, the ones about the first trimester just he can hear it (cause I know it takes him a while to wonder into the room and check things out.) So just as it's ending he comes walking in wondering what I'm watching (YES!) so I non-shalantly explain what it is as the next video starts to play, the one that talks about what's going on right now in my pregnancy. It talks about the growth, that he can now hear us talking and such, and he's actually starting to move around quite a bit now.
My plan worked, Brayden was way into it, but it slightly backfired too. The video said that the baby should now be about the size of a small banana in length, to which my lovely husband asked, "Can a banana fit in there?" I just said I figued so, but he was all fired up and said that I wasn't big enough! (lol!!) He said that there's no way that baby's as big as a banana! That I need to be eating way more than I do so our baby will be big and healthy! (I was slightly offended and extremely amused.) So now every time we eat, he tells me, "Give this to the baby" and hands me more of everything.
I'm glad Brayden's actually concerned now with what's going on with our baby, all during church he kept reaching over and puting his hands on my stomach and when he couldn't feel anything, he'd shove it around to try and "wake up the baby." I tried to explain that he probably wouldn't feel him moving yet, but he wanted to try. Too cute (minus the cramping I got from him pushing on my stomach so much!) Oh well, I like that he thinks he's an expert on the baby, now I can talk to him about what's going on and he'll actually pay attention! I am worried though, that he's gonna make me a beast cause he's so concerned that I'm not eating enough. =] Whatever, at least Brayden doesn't care if I get big, and I'm glad my little plan worked too!!

Motherhood.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh
This quote terrifies and excites me. This will be a whole new life for me, somewhere I've never been before and I may absolutely fail at this, or I might not do too much harm. I think of how I treated my mother, and now, that's me! I am the one my kids will scream at when I don't buy the "right toy", or when I make them do chores before they play. I am now the villain that they will despise, and I am the one they will look to for protection and unconditional love even after they have just done something unthinkable. How did my mother do it? How do all mothers do it? I guess I'm about to find out.


"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own." ~Aristotle
Touche Aristotle! But a good father loves a child regardless if it is his own or not.


"Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly." ~Ambrose Bierce
Funny because it's true! I know I'll be the mom throwing a coat at my child when it's 70 degrees outside.."just in case."


I know I will take this back by the end of October, but I think being pregnant for 9 months is a blessing! Could you imagine finding out you're pregnant and then giving birth 3 months later? But, what if instead of 3 months, you knew you would be dealing with the pain of pregnancy for a year? God is a very smart, compassionate man! I think He knows that 9 months is just what a mother needs to prepare mentally,physically, and spiritually for a child. I know for me I feel so unprepared right now, so much so that it's almost too comforting to imagine that I'm not pregnant yet! But when I think about how long I have to prepare, I feel more relaxed. Maybe pregnancy is a little like the world, a preparatory state for us. A place for us to grow and learn about what is coming next for us. So, for me, I am extremely thankful that God has given me this time to prepare myself for the large responsibility ahead of me, one I thought I would never be ready for.

I'm a Hord!

Even though it was seriously considered having Brayden take my last name, we both prayed and decided to keep it traditional with me taking his name. Brayden was worried about the teasing our kids will get, the same that he recieved for having his last name. But I guess they will have to handle it... it builds character! Besides that, I am so relieved that we are finally married! Everyone has told me that marriage doesn't change anything, so I was preparing myself to not feel any different, but I do feel different now. I feel so much more appreciative of Brayden and all that he is and will be sacrificing for me. I feel like I've turned a corner in my life, one where selfish decisions are no longer an option to me. I feel like I understand the gospel just a little better, I appreciate what exactly I'm missing right now, which is that eternal promise and sealing. I have a drive now to make sure that Brayden and I are continually working together to recieve that blessing, that eternal seal between us and our God.  Above all else, I feel so greatful to have my family here to support me, and now I have a wonderful husband to stand beside me in all things. I'm so glad I have such an adorable, kind, loving, supportive husband. =]

Valentines Day Wedding.. wooo!

Brayden and I are getting married on Valentines Day... yes, tomorrow. I'm so excited! Even though it's going to be a small wedding, it has been so nerve racking trying to figure out all the details! But thankfully I have a wonderful sister-in-law who has a nack at cheap, last minute planning. We decided that she needs to write a book on how to do the "dollar store wedding", cause that is where we got everything for the wedding (decoration wize) and I think it all looks beautiful! So thank you Morgan for all your help! I can't wait to see my sister again, after living so close for the past six months it's weird to think that I can't just drop by and see the kids whenever. I'm so glad everyone has been so supportive and helpful with my last minute decisiont to throw this on everyone! lol.   Morgan made these cute red tutu's for the girls to wear with black ribbon and a red flower in the middle of the bow. Madison and Leila are going to be the flower girls, and Dyl will be the ring-bearer, and I know they will all look soooo adorable! I can't wait! =] 

Just a crazy thought....

Wow, ok follow me on this one. So I was thinking about the "real"ness of the gospel, and it reminds me of "the force" in Star Wars. The force is very real, just as the gospel is. You can't "see" the "force" and you can't see with your eyes the power of the gospel. All there is to see to testify of both is the aftermath. You see things moving, seemingly on their own, in Star Wars, but you just "know" that is the force. Well, how do you know that? Some guy looks steadfastly at an object and it begins to levitate, but that could all be coincidence, right? Maybe he noticed the object moving and looked over just at that exact moment. It seems people will argue the same about the gospel. How can it be that when you see something happening and you call it a miracle, or the workings of God, that it isn't just you hopeing that that is what it is?  I hate that I'm making a comparison to something that's make-believe...oh well.  All I'm trying to say is that just because you can't "see" the gospel, doesn't mean that it's not working at full force around you. I have heard religion refered to as a "Santa Clause" effect for the human mind. "Let's pretend that there is someone out there that you can't see, but he's watching your every move and deciding if you get that raise or not based on how good you are." Yes, that would be a genuis plan for our forefathers to lay out for us... creating a supreme being that you need to please in order to get rewarded when you die, of course people will do good with that over their head. But it's so much more than that, and I'm sure that even if they did think it all up as a conspierecy to keep us in-line, well I can't help but think that there wasn't some thoughts put in there from above. It's too perfect of a plan to be masterminded by a human. Every aspect of this unseen, unknown "gospel" is perfect, you can call it a trick, mind control, or anything else to make you feel better about not doing what you know is right. 

Oh man, I have gone completely off on this, lol.... getting carried away. Anyways, I'm just saying that you can sit all day and rationalize away how things happen the way they do and how the world even got here. But without accepting the fact that there is a supreme creator out there that is very real and very much playing a part in your life, then you're better off assumeing that it was just luck that Anakin's light saber just happened to fly into his hand as Darth Mal was comming at him. AAAAnnnnnndddd, I'm done. =]

The Gospel is real.

Having faith is some-what of a struggle for me. The best way to describe my relationship with my Heavenly Father is this: I walk in front of him and I do things MY way, I tell him that I want to do it for myself to see if I can do it on my own. Then, when I fail (as I always do without Him) I finally ask for His help with cleaning up my mess. It never works, so I think it's time to just let Him show me how to do it right the first time, cause I obviously have no idea what I'm doing. I'm glad that I've finally sat down and pondered on why it is that things never seem to go right with me.

 This is where my lack of faith comes in. I don't trust the Lord. After so many years of me telling Him to take the backseat in my life, now I have no idea what He actually is capable of!  When it comes time to make a decision, I faithfully pray, then with the answer the Lord has unmistakenly given me, I take it and weigh it out in my head with what I want to do. Then I do what I think I would like best at the time... sometimes it's His plan, and sometimes it's mine. I need to be humble and faithful to the end. It's very scary to think that this is how I've been making my choices in life, I mean obviously I've been doing something wrong to get me where I"ve been... but when I actually think about it realistically like this, it makes sence, I'm obviously going to be miserable when I am blantantly ignoring the Lord.

Through this whole experience with Brayden, I have come to realize that I don't have all the answers, and sometimes when we think something horrible is going on, it really can be a blessing. I thought I was gonna be heart broken forever when Brayden left, but for the spiritual growth that has happened in me, I would go through it a million times. I know my Heavenly Father loves me, I know He hears my prayers and He answers them too. I know He wants the best for me, even when I'm giving Him the cold shoulder, and I only hope that I can give that kind of love to someone else. That truely is what the gospel is all about, sharing that love with everyone.The gospel is such a perfect plan, there may not be room to error within, but once without there are infinite ways to help you get back on track. Ok, well I gotta go do some shopping now. I love you all! The church is TRUE!!!! lol

Ephrata, the 3rd time around...

 I think I'm gonna be moving back to Ephrata for a while. I'm hopeing I can get my old job back, working at Time Out, but we'll see. I figure this is the smartest way to go about things, I can be working and puting money away, and be around family too.  So now I have some time to get set up and so does Brayden, and I"ll be in a good position no matter what happens, if one day he decides he's ready to get married, or if the other happens... either way I'm gonna be ok. =]

Those who know me

Know that I keep quiet when there's nothing to be said. I don't mean to say that I don't talk often, or anything like that; I mean to say that when my life has nothing going on, I tend to keep to myself.

It's been nine months since my last post on here, and honestly, not too many exciting things have happened to me since then. I moved to Spokane, had a boyfriend move up here for me, been working two jobs, and still can't seem to get myself to go to college. But something changed last week, and I figured it was time for a new post. Last week Brayden decided to move to Arizona, for a handful of reason, including the fact that he was just plain home-sick for family. Now, this is in no way a put-down toward him, or me even saying that us being together was ever a mistake. I just know that Brayden moving here in the first place wasn't too smart. He is so young, and I knew he needed time to find himself before he made such a life-changing decision, but being so young, of course he pulled a Kaylee, and he came here on raw emotion. It never felt too good for him to be here, even though I absolutly love the poo out of him and loved every moment of being around him... still, I knew it would come to an end. So as things went on, I of course was thinking about marriage, but it seems it was too soon for Brayden. I think the thought of being married right now helped him realize just how young he is, which is great. I'm quite thankful that he come to this realization before he actually married me and then freaked out and did something stupid. So now he's in Arizona with his brother and he wants to get himself together before he takes that next step. Irionically, that's quite a mature move on his part. =]

So my first instinct when he left was to immediatly follow to be closer to him, cause I figured the least I could do was move somewhere for him the way he did for me. But no, that would be quite immature on my part. So I've decided that I need to get Kaylee all straight away right now, so when Brayden is straight away we can be heading in the same direction finally. My plans are soft-of unsure at this point, but I do have two stable plans to work around. One is that I will be staying in Spokane close to MY family, and the second is, I will be attending Paul Mitchell the school downtown as well. It's a 15month program, but there is the freedom to transfer within the school after the first two months. I considered moving to Phoenix to go to the Paul Mitchell there and of course be 2 1/2 hrs closer to Brayden, but the truth is that he made his dicision, and he chose to move a couple hundred miles away. So I think for now he needs to know how it feels to make big choices like that and not have it sugar-coated by having his girlfriend follow him and make it easier on him. I love him more than anything, and I hope one day we do get married and we are both where we need to be in life; no more emotion driven dicision. 

So that's all I got for now. I guess I better keep this updated now....